When Generosity Becomes Grinding
Here's what I've learned about people pleasing: it's performance masked as kindness.
I discovered this the hard way. A mentor once told me "Your expectations = Your future resentments" while I was clawing my way through early recovery. It hit like gravity —a force I'd been fighting without realizing it.
You see, people pleasing is a silent contract written by one party. It quietly and transactionally insists:
"If I do X for you, then you should do Y for me."
The problem? No one else signed this contract.
I used to be an artful practitioner:
Using charm as strategy
Being "nice" with invisible strings
Giving from empty to feel full
Creating contracts no one knew about
Running when they weren't fulfilled
Here's what made it shift: Recognizing that true generosity flows through you. People pleasing comes from you— and eventually depletes you.
Want to spot your own patterns? Ask yourself:
What are my actual motives here?
Am I avoiding stating my needs?
Is this genuine kindness or strategic niceness?
Am I trying to control outcomes through "helping"?
The people pleaser in me isn't gone. But now I can spot it before it starts grinding.
Your quiet strength comes from letting that sh!t go.
Onward